| Questions Thinger |
[Nov. 15th, 2009|11:46 am] |
* Leave me a comment saying "Resistance is Futile."
* I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can satisfy my curiosity
* Update your journal with the answers to the questions. Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions. (I'll also answer more, if asked.)
Questions from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) ferahgo :
1. What's your #1 favorite video game ever?
Ugh... I hate "favorite" questions. Well, let's see... I still Star Control 2 to be one of the best and most well-rounded games ever made, though it's about 15 years old by now. Epic intergalactic war story, tons of pseudo-realistic astronomy and planetary science, enjoyable combat and mining minigame, really great and amusing dialogue across the board, great music, combination of seriousness and humor, great art, a detailed universe... that game had it all.
2. Ever been cow-tipping?
No, I have not. :P
3. Favorite author/book, go.
Jesus, another "favorite". I guess I can say Anne Patchett's Bel Canto without too much risk of perjuring myself. However, I can probably think of fifteen or twenty "but I also really love..." books off the top of my head.
4. Do you like tiny motorcycle models/toys as well as real ones too?
In fact I do! I don't actively pursue them though, I just buy them when I randomly see one I like somewhere. That combined with the fact that they aren't nearly as easy to come across casually as model cars are means I only have two at the moment... a GSX-R1300 Hayabusa (first generation) and an R1150GS (complete with luggage!). In comparison, I probably have 20-30 toy cars scattered around the house. I'm sure they're the bane of Alice's existence. :3
5. Are you going to marry Alice any time soon? :3
I want to! In fact, the original plan was that I wanted to propose to her on our first anniversary and marry her on our second (we passed our third a few months ago), but the money situation still hasn't stabilized, and I want to Do It Right. If it wasn't for the dolla dolla bill yo, we'd already be married. :)
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| You have triggered a trap. |
[Nov. 11th, 2009|10:39 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | alice, ano nuevo, braindump, cameron's, food, motorcycle, torchlight, video games, work, writing | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Santa Cruz, CA | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | More Jane Zhang | ] |
I mainly played Torchlight today, aside from having a long and grinding workday. I felt like doing absolutely no writing when I got home, so that's what I did. Anyway, Torchlight is still mondo fun, but I'm starting to get my usual restless feeling from not "accomplishing" anything. I'm improving my loot and leveling up, but what good is it really? Of course, the trick is that it's a video game, so already it kind of loses out on being a "meaningful activity". I just need to remember that the point is to have fun!
Alice and I made pumpkin soup today, and it turned out quite tasty. It's been a meatless couple of days at Cattingtonshire, and I don't like it. I feel kind of empty all the time, and I keep pining for some chicken or something. I could never go vegetarian.
Tomorrow night's Game Night... I hope people actually show up this time. Also I think we're going to go to Ano Nuevo to see elephant seals this weekend, and maybe ride up to Cameron's for food+beer! Wooooooo~ |
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| Writing Words and Working Woes |
[Nov. 10th, 2009|09:46 pm] |
I've gotten some writing done lately. It isn't terribly much, but it's development work, which is good. I'd started to think that I didn't have any stories left in me, that what paltry inspirations I had had been left behind years ago. I think the one I'm turning out now is pretty good though, and as Andy told me, I just have to have confidence in it and keep going.
Work work work.
The whole regular job thing is killing me. I just can't really bring myself to care. Oh, I do the job and I do it well, but I feel absolutely no personal investment in it. It's just a series of tasks I'm performing, and spending eight hours a day just performing tasks is ripping my heart out. Alice thinks that maybe it's just the low-levelness of the job, that maybe if I can advance to higher positions and more interesting roles, I'll be happier. I'm not so sure. I have the same trapped feeling I felt at WyoTech, and at Oce before that, and in school before that. Not just that, but the sheer endlessness of it all is really kicking my ass. I wouldn't feel so bad about spending a big chunk of a day at work if I didn't know there was another day right behind it.
The upside is that feeling this way and figuring all this out is making me hungrier. It's as though I can't be serious about pursuing the alternative career without first being pushed over the edge by the mundane one. Now that life is speeding up and threatening to blow past me, now that I'm in a 9-5 with no foreseeable end, I'm starting to actually find the motivation to do the work I actually want to do.
I just hope it all pans out. I'm still afraid of working hard and doing all the right things and just having it all fall apart anyway.
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| Get out of the car, you! |
[Oct. 21st, 2009|09:32 pm] |
Postpostpost
Video games are fun. There's been a lot of Titan Quest going on, between weekly Game Nights with the big group, a separate game with Ryan, and a solo character. I can't believe I never used Dream Mastery before, or Spirit. Phantom Strike and Ternion Attack are fun and good! Dawn of War II's new Last Stand mode is a lot of fun too, though the matchmaking dynamic is silly. The game mode requires exactly three players, but even if you already have three players in the game it searches the servers for available players. Wat. The mode itself is fun though, although I wish there was more loot going on. I have also been playing a lot of Red Faction: Guerrilla, because blowing stuff up is greatly entertaining. My favorite weapon (and mining implement) is cars. I like to destroy buildings by driving trucks through them repeatedly. Speaking of driving, Forza 3 is coming out next week, and so is Borderlands! More gaming goodness.
If I am writing in small little child-sentences, blame the lack of sleep. I am tired and cannot bless you with my usual eloquent outflow. Case in point: it took me two full minutes to remember the word "eloquent".
Speaking of writing, I have had story ideas percolating around in my head for a couple of weeks. I have decided that the creative lifestyle is the one for me after all, just like I thought all along, and I'm going to try and make it happen. Now I just have to find the energy one of these days to sit down after the day job and crank out some words. Then I can get rich and famous and buy three Lamborghinis... one orange, one purple, and one spare.
I have been reading Laurie R. King's The Beekeeper's Apprentice, thanks to Alice. It's fun, even though I've never read any Sherlock Holmes stories before (this book is about a young girl teaming up with Holmes in his later years).
I wish there was more time... for everything, really, but specifically to watch things. The TV shows and movies I want to watch are piling up faster than PS2 JRPGs. My Netflix queue is taunting me. What's worse, we can add another genre. We saw Paranormal Activity last weekend, and even though the shaky-cam made me walk out half an hour early to avoid throwing up, what I saw of the movie was good and made me wonder if I should give the horror genre another go. It's been a long time since I gave horror movies a chance.
Alice is taking up knitting again. It's cute! Also, she's cute. So double-cute abounds. Cute.
Cute.
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| Gonads in the Lightning |
[Sep. 15th, 2009|11:12 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | 50 cent: blood on the sand, alice, braindump, castle, exercise, food, nads, running, ryan, weight lifting | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Santa Cruz, CA | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Muse - The Resistance (album) | ] |
Happylist for today:
--I went running for a mile this morning, AND I went to the gym after work! Of course, just three sets of squats (10 x 135 lbs.) on the Smith machine kicked my ass. I did some lame situps and slunk off under the judging gazes of twenty rock-hard meatslabs. But! Exercise is good, and I am feeling pumped up about it. Now I'm in pain though, so tomorrow's exercising may be truncated.
--I took out the trash. Thus I deserve a medal.
--Ryan and I beat 50 Cent. Now I have to decide whether or not I'm gangsta enough to play it some more for achievements and such.
--I made fried rice for Alice's and my dinner, which is always good. We watched an entertaining episode of Castle.
On the downside, I didn't really do anything useful after dinner, so I still feel kind of meh. Also my NADs (Nighttime Affective Disorder) is kicking in nightly these days and making me feel randomly depressed before bed.
If you are reading this and you are young enough or otherwise in a position to do so, figure out what your dreams are and pursue them! Don't flail around for years like I did and then have nothing to show for it.
I wish I could be satisfied with things.
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| Come back to me, it's almost easy! |
[Sep. 14th, 2009|11:50 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | 50 cent: blood on the sand, alice, braindump, call of duty, chores, exercise, food, mini ninjas, nazi zombies, scribblenauts, shadow complex, trials hd, video games, wet, world at war, xbox 360 | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Santa Cruz, CA | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sleepy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Avenged Sevenfold - Almost Easy | ] |
I have not posted my happy-list in several days!
Previously:
--Played lots of video games over the weekend, including 50 Cent, Nazi Zombies, Shadow Complex, and Trials HD, and the demos for Wet and Mini Ninjas.
--Got my new 360 hard drive up and running.
--Ran a little on Saturday.
Today:
--Quick workday, which is always good.
--Got pumped up about doing stuff like housekeeping chores and working out.
--Did dishes, mopped the kitchen, scooped litterboxes, took out some trash, did light vacuuming.
--Ate some CHICKEN NUGGETS! Also caprese salad with tasty dry-farmed tomatoes and ciabatta bread.
--Played a little Scribblenauts. Stupid game with its fun premise but crappy controls.
I did waste a bunch of time screensucking today, but I guess I can't expect perfection. I should have picked up a book or something during that time instead.
Tomorrow I'm going to start my most recent Newly Determined Exercise Regimen!!!! I hope it sticks this time.
Also I really, really love Alice.
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| Tokyo na na na na na naaaaaa |
[Sep. 10th, 2009|11:06 pm] |
Today:
--Had another pretty decent day at work. It dragged on a bit again, and I kept starting to nod off, but I got a fair amount done. I guess I need more sleep, though.
--Did some chores and paid some bills... felt accomplished!
--Ryan and I played more of 50 Cent. The more I play it, the more I'm convinced that it's a great game in a ridiculous wrapping. We like ridiculous things anyway, so double win!
--Alice and I made Spanish rice for dinner. It was pretty good!
--We also had our private Movie Night and watched Tokyo Drifter (not Tokyo Drift). Once we got back its jerky storyboarding and other signs of age, it was quite a good movie. It was pretty immersive and had lots of good characterizations, despite not having the most unique story ever (by now, anyway).
I guess it's bedtime... this "regular life" thing. Sigh.
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| Rappers Make Excellent Action Heroes |
[Sep. 9th, 2009|11:14 pm] |
I have a tough time figuring out how to live a day-to-day life. What I mean is that every day, I get really upset that I wasn't able to do every single thing that I wanted to in that day. The problem is that I don't really compartmentalize my desires into a realistic batch of things I want to do on a specific day, and rather let myself feel the desire for EVERYTHING I want to do, for every single day. Then I get sad when it's time for bed because there's ten million things I'd rather stay up and do than just let my day end.
Alice says that I need to stop thinking so negatively about this, and that I should start listing out the things that I accomplish each day, so that I can see that I'm actually doing stuff and not wasting life.
Today:
--I had a decent day at work. It went by slowly, but I got stuff done.
--Alice and I had special happy fun time. (this means sex)
--We went to New Leaf and Safeway and did our grocery shopping for the rest of the week, through Sunday. We got a lot of fruit that I'm looking forward to eating! Pears and pluots and bananas and strawberries and woo!
--Ryan and I played some 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand. This game is great, guys. Over-the-top gangsta rappers shooting up terrorists and collecting money and posters, what more could you ask for? I accumulated enough scrilla to buy the Mack Daddy Taunt Pack or something. "I'm going to kill your whole generation!"
--Alice and I cooked up some fresh sardines with zucchini and carrots. Gutting fish is messy, and sardines have a whole lot of bones. I don't like fish bones. The fish turned out tasty enough though, and the veggies were good as usual, and we had some francese bread to dip in the baked fish herby olive oil, so that's always nice.
--We watched an episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine with dinner, as is not uncommon. It was another Ferengi episode, which I always find pretty silly, but oh well. Still entertaining. I love DS9.
Other notes:
--Guildenstern is shedding again! Rosencrantz might be too, but he was hiding so I couldn't tell.
--This Dell Mini 10v that I'm typing this entry on has phenomenal battery life. It's really pretty great except for the terrible touchpad mouse.
--Tomorrow's already Thursday! Another weekend is on the horizon. Also Alice and I will have a private movie night if all goes as planned, complete with kettle corn. Also Thursdays are good for other, sexy reasons.
--I really like frozen store-bought cheesecake, like the plain Sara Lee kind or similar. When I say frozen, I mean straight from the freezer. I like the weird layered texture it gets, and I like to have it melt slowly in my mouth. I also like frozen store-bought pound cake.
Okay, this has gone on long enough for now.
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| Shut Up Brain |
[Aug. 26th, 2009|10:47 pm] |
Why does my brain do this? Why, at the end of the day, does it start flooding me with thoughts that said day was incomplete and unfulfilling and generally unsuccessful? All that, even if I had a decent workday and came home and had a nice nap and went for a nice tasty deli sandwich dinner with Alice and then went and saw Julie and Julia (which was delightful, by the way) and then went to the bookstore and got some nice books (which I will never have time to read) for pretty decent prices. What will it take to satisfy me? I don't understand, and it frustrates the hell out of me. |
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| Of Cliffs and Lasagna |
[Aug. 25th, 2009|11:15 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | deep space nine, diablo 2, exercise, food, lasagna, perdido street station, rma, running, santa cruz, star trek, video games, west cliff, xbox 360 | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Santa Cruz, CA | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sleepy | ] |
Alice and I went for a walk along West Cliff today. I guess it was kind of okay!
I went for a 1-mile run this morning, which means I got double exercise today. Good thing, too... it's about time I stopped being damned fat. >:( After work I sent off my XBox for RMA. I hope I get it back soon, but I'm not going to hold my breath. After the West Cliff walk, we made lasagna for the first time ever. It turned out quite well, and we've got enough for mondo leftovers. Lasagna makes me happy. After our Deep Space Nine dinner, we played some Diablo 2 for the first time in a while. We finally got Khalim's Eye... god Act 3 annoys me. I can't wait to be out of it, or at least towards the end of it when it gets a little more interesting.
Perdido Street Station is quite a good book so far. Just so's you know.
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| A Case of the Mehndays |
[Aug. 24th, 2009|10:00 pm] |
Well that was a pretty meh day. At least I got to eat tasty cassoulet, pack up my RRODed XBox 360 for shipment, and update my video card drivers so I can finally play Mass Effect without it crashing. Knock on wood for that last one.
Not much else was accomplished. Hopefully tomorrow I can improve on this day. |
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| Yearning for Childhood Paradigms |
[Aug. 23rd, 2009|01:41 pm] |
I feel stretched out over too much time, too much thought. I really need to start writing again, because I believe it would help me to parse life more thoroughly, which in turn would help this feeling that I'm just skimming over the edge and scooping up nothing but the bare essentials. Thinking about it in terms of personal perspective, I believe the "long view" has hurt me overall in my ability to relax and enjoy life; I'm always thinking about what's coming next and what I have to prepare or look forward to/dread.
I miss those times in childhood where I could sit for hours or afternoons at a time just screwing around in some video game or another because I liked it, because it was fun. There wasn't any thought of whether the time was worthwhile or not, if I could be doing something more productive. And sure, I could have been doing other things that might have had more concrete positive effects in the long run, but ultimately I don't think that made that screwing-around time any less worthwhile. These days I feel like I always have to be making progress towards something, taking steps towards completing things or achieving things. I really want to get away from that.
I guess it comes down to that I want to live in the moment again, or at least pull myself back towards the center of the in-the-moment/big-picture spectrum. How do you guys make yourselves just relax and enjoy life in this moment?
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| Book List |
[Jul. 23rd, 2009|04:03 pm] |
Okay okay, fine, here it is.
1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen [R]
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien [R]
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte []
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling [R]
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee [R ]
6 The Bible [R]
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte []
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell [R]
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman [R]
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens [R]
Total: 8
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott []
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy []
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller [R]
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare [ ] most of them, goddammit
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier [ ]
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien [R]
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk [ ]
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger [R]
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger [R]
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot [R]
Total: 5
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell []
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald [R]
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens [ ]
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy []
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams [R]
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh [ ]
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky [R]
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck [R]
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll [R]
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame [R]
Total: 5
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy []
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens []
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis [R]
34 Emma-Jane Austen [R]
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen [R]
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis [R]
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini [ ]
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres [ ]
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden [R]
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne [R]
Total: 6
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell [R]
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown [] I read half this book and stopped because it's terrible.
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez []
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving []
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins [ ]
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery [R]
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy [ ]
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood [ R]
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding [ R]
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan [R ]
Total: 5
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel [ R]
52 Dune - Frank Herbert [R]
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons [ ]
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen [R]
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth [ ]
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos RuIz Zafon [ ]
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens [ ]
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley [R ]
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night - Mark Haddon [R ]
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez [ ]
Total: 5
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck [R]
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov []
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt [ ]
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold [R ]
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas [R ]
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac [R ]
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy [ ]
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding []
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie [ ]
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville [R]
Total: 5
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens [ ]
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker [R ]
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnet [R]
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson []
75 Ulysses - James Joyce [ ]
76 The Inferno – Dante [ ]
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome [ ]
78 Germinal - Emile Zola [ ]
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray [ ]
Total: 2
80 Possession: A Romance - AS Byatt []
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens [R]
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell [ ]
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker [ ]
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro []
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert [ ]
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry [ ]
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White [R]
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom [ ]
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle []
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton [ ]
Total: 2
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad [R]
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery [ R]
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks [ ]
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams [R]
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole [R]
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute [ ]
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas [R]
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare [R]
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl [R]
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo [R]
Total: 8
Grand total - 51
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| A quick note |
[Jul. 8th, 2009|01:12 pm] |
Sorry for the radio silence... I've spent the past few weeks trying to pull my life together--in a good way, not a bad way. I got a new job at the beginning of that, one that's really promising, but between that and a bunch of social obligations, the weeks have melted away. I'm still trying to restructure this new life to include things like thinking and writing and whatnot, but I'm hoping to start posting meaningful things again soon! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 22nd, 2009|03:53 pm] |
Alice is across the country and won't be back until Saturday.
One of our cats is missing.
This week is sucking so far.
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| SNIKT ME SNIKT ME SNIKT ME |
[May. 15th, 2009|10:24 am] |
eug [10:04:03 AM]: i can already tell this is going to be a great day
eug [10:05:40 AM]: some guy tried to road rage me on the offramp here eug [10:05:51 AM]: he was weaving through traffic in his accord eug [10:06:09 AM]: so i followed him fast (not that fast, he slowed down like a motherfucker for turns) off the ramp eug [10:06:29 AM]: he went to the middle lane, i went to the right lane to go my way, but i heard him yell something as i went by eug [10:06:39 AM]: so i stopped (there was a car in front of me anyway) and looked over as he crept up eug [10:06:48 AM]: he started yelling that i'm a cocksucker eug [10:06:50 AM]: flipping me off eug [10:07:05 AM]: was like "oh look at me, i've got a big car!" eug [10:07:11 AM]: i looked thoughtful, smiled and waved eug [10:07:14 AM]: he kept yelling eug [10:07:37 AM]: that i should go home, and that i should see what happens if we get out of our cars eug [10:07:40 AM]: i was like OOH eug [10:07:49 AM]: looked eager and pointed over to the side of the road eug [10:08:01 AM]: he was like fuck you, i'll kick your gooky (lol) ass eug [10:08:08 AM]: so i rolled down my window and started telling him to do it eug [10:08:16 AM]: and come on, let's go (DEADPOOL HAHAHA) eug [10:08:21 AM]: and kept gesturing to the right side of the road eug [10:08:25 AM]: come on, let's do it! eug [10:08:29 AM]: he just kept yelling at didn't move eug [10:08:42 AM]: then i told him to "keep talking, bitch" and drove off eug [10:09:38 AM]: this was like a mid-40s white guy, btw eug [10:09:40 AM]: with a moustache ryan [10:10:34 AM]: hahaha ryan [10:10:35 AM]: aww man ryan [10:10:48 AM]: i wish you had demolished someone on the side of the road on the way to work eug [10:10:56 AM]: that would have been hilariously awesome eug [10:11:11 AM]: i was thinking of either actually fighting him and thrashing the living shit out of him eug [10:11:22 AM]: or calmly getting out of my car, taking a picture of his license plate, and calling the cops eug [10:12:14 AM]: the gook thing pissed me off eug [10:12:19 AM]: i mean if you're going to be racist, at least get it right
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eug [10:17:53 AM]: now i feel like leaving work and going and getting into a fight |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 14th, 2009|04:07 pm] |
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Sometimes I feel like I don’t have anyone I can really talk to. Like right now, when I’m really frustrated (as I have been most of my life) about this lack of focus and lack of motivation that I can’t get over. Everybody I talk to just dismisses it and tells me I should just do things and get the hell over it (and presumably myself), even my close friends, and even Alice. I’m thinking more seriously about therapy, but even if I thought it would actually help me, beyond telling me things I already know, I can’t afford that shit. So what the hell else do I have? So I guess the major problem is I have no drive. It’s just another phrase to describe lacking motivation, but yeah… so I have no drive. So I have to make myself have drive. But which comes first, having drive, or making myself have drive? Maybe I’m just interested in proving that this all isn’t my fault. That there isn’t something active I could be doing about it. Because that’s my premise… that it’s something beyond my control, or at least something massively difficult to overcome. Because otherwise I am just being lazy, and I am just pathetic. So what’s the next step, then, if my premise is wrong, and if I am just being lazy and I am just pathetic. I admit to myself that I’m lazy and pathetic, and I somehow make myself stop being lazy and pathetic. Just do it. The answer is the answer. I’m sorry, I’m truly sorry to all of the friends who have tried and failed to help me, who have been disgusted with me and tried to tell me and sent me long tirades about how I need to get off my ass and stop wasting my life, and mostly I’m sorry to myself… but when I sit here feeling alone and disconnected and desperate, trying to choke down that rising, buzzing hum of heartrate and anxiety and mood chemicals that makes me want to strangle myself before the sedentary and the frenetic tear my brain apart—yeah, knowing that to fix it, I just have to fix it… that doesn’t really help me. Fuck. Yeah, go cry about it, you little bitch. Pathetic. If I sit and think about it, what the lazy-and-pathetic theory is telling me is that to fix my problem, I need to have the will and the desire to fix it. That’s what not being lazy is… having the will and desire to do things. I can’t believe that’s all I need, because I can feel the will and desire that I feel every minute of those useless hours I spend every day fucking around. And I can’t convey the strength of those to you, so you won’t ever believe me when I say: that’s not the answer. And so you get sick of my shit, tell me to stop being lazy and get over it, and I feel a little bit more depressed and lonely and disconnected and lazy and pathetic and useless, and the cycle continues. |
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| Yes, we have no bananas. |
[May. 4th, 2009|10:18 pm] |
Alice and I ran in the rain again today. We both started cramping up pretty badly, so we kept it to a nice and slow 1.5 miles (4:54, 9:37, 16:13). I haven't really decided the details about this week's running Eugchievement, but here goes....
EUGCHIEVEMENT - Run at least 1.5 miles 5 times this week. Unlocks: One purchase of <$25. |
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| Run run run run |
[May. 3rd, 2009|04:08 pm] |
Well, I didn't run on Friday. I did run today, though, and in the rain, no less! I kept it to one mile (4:22, 9:23) due to the wetness, but I'm still relatively proud of myself. I did more running this week than I ever have in my life, high school PE included! Pretty good for a fat, weight-lifting book-and-computer man! Specific details notwithstanding, I feel pretty good about declaring:
EUGCHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED! Run at least 1 mile every weekday this week.
YOU GOT : PERMISSION TO BUY GOG.COM'S ON-SALE OLD FPS GAMES!
Also, thanks for the encouragement and advice, guys. :) |
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| REGRESSION |
[Apr. 30th, 2009|08:12 pm] |
The good news is I was faster today. My first half-mile lap was 4:36, my second was 9:48, and my third was 15:16. The bad news is that I didn't make it to the fourth lap! My calves were killing me. I guess I might need rest or something, after this week of whirlwind (for me) running. Also, Alice didn't run with me again, as she's feeling sick and has homework to do. Also, I had some fried rice fairly soon before running. But dammit anyway. :(
Also a slight change to the Eugchievement (not that any one you care)... instead of The Dishwasher: Dead Samurai, I'm going to reward myself with the Apogee FPSes on gog.com, since they're on sale this weekend. I was going to let myself buy both if I kept up the 2 miles/day pace through the end of the work week, but I guess that isn't happening. :( |
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