Log in

No account? Create an account
Stuff And Nonsense [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[ website | My Website ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Of Songs and Battle [Apr. 21st, 2014|10:47 pm]

I got my new Blue Yeti microphone and matching pop filter today. I was messing around with looping stuff in Audacity and wrote the song above. I’m pretty proud of myself… it’s a simplistic song and the lyrics are essentially gibberish, but it’s the first complete song I’ve ever written on my own.

Lately I’ve been thinking about depression as a series of battles, fought tens or hundreds of times a day. Sometimes you win one or even several. But every time you lose, you get pushed way back, maybe all the way back to the beginning. All the progress you’ve made, all the gains from your victories–they all disappear. The only way to really beat it is to win every battle from now until the end. You have to be perfect forever. That’s also what makes it hard to help someone with depression, because you can’t just step in once, or once in a while, and accomplish much of anything really. You’ve got to be there constantly, helping out and providing support. It’s unreasonable.

I’ve been winning some of the battles the past week or so, but it’s a drop in the bucket. It’s even more difficult since expending the effort to win a given battle means you’ll have that much less for the ones coming after. What good is making it out to go grocery shopping if I can’t muster the energy to make dinner? What’s the point of getting myself to a party if I crash explosively once I get home? How can I be happy about having written some music if I’m spending the evening feeling devastatingly lonely?

Well, I guess you just keep on fighting those battles until you either get your win rate up or lose the last of your army.

Originally published at What Eug Thinks. Please leave any comments there.
LinkLeave a comment

All the things I thought I’d figured out [Mar. 23rd, 2014|01:34 pm]

I’m supposed to be taking this time to work on myself, to get a handle on my assorted disorders and neuroses and get back to being a functional human being. But things are getting worse, not better, and there’s no potential improvement in sight. In reality I barely have the energy/focus/whatever to keep myself alive, much less make improvements or get help or whatever else… my mind is surviving day by day here. Contradictory problems and contradictory solutions keep me paralyzed all day, every day, and I can’t break free of the web. In the meantime new problems–real problems–are piling up as well, and I feel like I’m drowning. I hate myself (and everything else) more and more all the time. I don’t think the end is too far off.

This is probably going to be my last post–at least, the last one with this kind of substance–because even though I ache to say these things out loud in the vain hope of really connecting with someone, it just doesn’t help. Throwing my words out into the empty spaces of the Internet at least used to give me a momentary flare of hope, but it doesn’t even provide that brief benefit anymore. And I know nobody wants to hear it anyway. I’ve lost far more friends and support over my years of useless rambling “honesty” than I’ve gained, so fine, world, you win. I give up. How many people will read this anyway? One, maybe two, since I’m not going to link it on Facebook or anything, and nobody really gives a shit what’s going on with me if I’m not right in front of their face. Yes, that’s where I’ve fallen to: undermining my own exposure and then complaining about it. But I’d rather disappear completely than have people avert their eyes or look through me as if I’m not here. They’re right not to see me, in any case; I’m not even a person anymore. Maybe I never was.

Originally published at What Eug Thinks. Please leave any comments there.
LinkLeave a comment

happy new year. [Dec. 31st, 2013|06:05 pm]

So it looks like I’m going to have survived to see the new year for some reason. Every day I feel like I can’t keep going, but every day I somehow get by. I’ve been told this means I’m being strong and fighting successfully, but if this is strength, I don’t want it anymore. Even the good things just make me tired. What’s the point in surviving when you don’t want to be alive anymore?

And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought

Originally published at What Eug Thinks. Please leave any comments there.
LinkLeave a comment

Vienna Teng – Nothing Without You [Dec. 29th, 2013|12:58 am]

It’s the quiet night that breaks me
I cannot stand the sight of this familiar place
It’s the quiet night that breaks me
Like a dozen papercuts that only I can trace
All my books are lying useless now
All my maps will only show me how to lose my way

Oh call my name
You know my name
And in that sound everything will change
Tell me it won’t always be this hard
I am nothing without you
But I don’t know who you are

It’s the crowded room that breaks me
Everybody looks so luminous and strangely young
It’s the crowded room that’s never heard
No one here can say a word of my native tongue
I can’t be among them anymore
I fold myself away before it burns me numb

Oh call my name
You know my name
And in your love everything will change
Tell me it won’t always be this hard
I am nothing without you
But I don’t know who you are

I am nothing without you
But I don’t know who you are

I am nothing without you

Originally published at What Eug Thinks. Please leave any comments there.
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Dec. 23rd, 2013|05:56 pm]

I just read through American Captain, a webcomic in which Captain America draws an autobiographical journal comic about dealing with PTSD and his transition into the modern world. It’s slower than you might expect from anything about Captain America, but it’s really, really good. Here’s a link to it in chronological order:


Reading it made me want to do a journal comic, except I have nothing to say, I can’t really draw, and I don’t do things.

Last night I finished reading Pearl S. Buck’s Pavilion of Women. The writing felt a little dated (though that might have been an intentional stylistic choice), but it was an engaging–if slow–story. Next up is Vessel, for OTBP book club.

Lately I’ve had another influx of games (and other activities) that I’m unlikely to actually do anything with. I’d been pretty good about that for a while, partly due to sheer depressive futility, but the spate of holiday season sales since Thanksgiving broke me on some stuff. For example I got a 3DS XL, set it up, charged it, and downloaded The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds, and haven’t yet touched it since. They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results….

Originally published at What Eug Thinks. Please leave any comments there.
LinkLeave a comment

As if I knew the way [Dec. 19th, 2013|10:44 pm]

I wrote some stuff about joy and pain and false dualities and insanity and hope, but I hated it, so I deleted it.

I’m still alive. I’ve been seeing friends and having fun in between (and sometimes concurrent with) sessions of hopeless depression. I really like my friends, the old ones and the new ones.

I’ve still been working out, though holiday scheduling (among other things) has brought it down to about once a week the past few weeks. I’m back to my set PR of 10×265 lbs. for bench though, and at PRs for a number of other things as well. Also my pants are falling off me. However broken I am, I’m in roughly the best physical shape of my life, so there’s that. I still feel like it’s so insignificant in the scheme of things though. I’m only regularly working a couple of muscle groups, and I need to do endurance training. Oh well… something’s better than nothing, right?

I wanted to write a bit about stuff I’ve been doing or wanting to do, but I’m tired. brain no energy fkljlaskjgkl

jeff is the best!

he stop songed me the other day!

Originally published at What Eug Thinks. Please leave any comments there.
LinkLeave a comment

depressing blog post [Nov. 20th, 2013|12:21 am]

I can’t even give up properly. Something I never realized about giving up is that you need something to give up TO, a negative alternative to whatever it is you gave up trying to do. There are no destructive vices I can really stand sinking myself into. I can’t even throw my time away into meaningless hobbies because I can’t stand to commit myself to them for more than a few minutes at a time. I look at things on the Internet or look at things in my house, trying to hear the distant part of myself that still has any interest in anything. I miss Alice and think about how alone I am and how unlikely that is to change. I think about how impossible everything is and cry.

I haven’t really done any writing in a couple of months now, I think, haven’t even really been trying. I haven’t ridden my bicycle since the SBMBG beginner rides at Fremont Older stopped for the year. Lifting has been okay, but it’s been harder to get myself to go, even with the commitment of Jeff expecting me, and I’ve stopped doing my random pull ups/push ups at home. I’ve barely been able to stay on top of the minimum life maintenance stuff: acquire food, feed and water the cats and geckos, scoop the litterboxes only a little behind schedule, that kind of thing. I’ve been spending time with friends and enjoying their company, but more and more I don’t even feel like doing that. I’ve dropped almost all the Meetup stuff. Oh, and did I mention that even that new therapist gave up on me? After the last session that I think I posted about he said he wanted to look over the results of a test I took before and would then call me to schedule an appointment. He hasn’t. All I really want to do is crawl into bed and sleep forever, and hopefully never wake up. Not that sleeping has been going well either, what with hours of insomnia at nights and hours of not being able to move in the mornings.

Not that any of this is really new; it’s just a matter of degree. There’s pretty much nothing left to say. I look back at this litany of blog posts and Facebook posts in which I’ve basically thrown away any pretense of being a human and I’m disgusted. You and I have both heard it all already, and it isn’t like there’s anything anyone can do to really help. All I’ve accomplished is to show a lot of people how pathetic I am and make my parents worry. I guess there’s just nothing else I really know how to do except throw words into the void. What a great thing I’ve done with my life.

Originally published at What Eug Thinks. Please leave any comments there.
LinkLeave a comment

Survey [Nov. 11th, 2013|02:59 pm]

Oh man. I was just thinking about how I kind of miss those silly surveys we used to forward around on Xanga/Livejournal/etc., and then today Emily goes and posts one! Woo!

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?
Yes, if she was available (she’s not).

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?
Incorrect as of this moment, though today isn’t over yet. What a strange way to word the question.

3. Have you taken someone’s virginity?

4. Is trust a big issue for you?
Ultimately yes, it’s a huge issue, though the limit of what I share with people I “don’t trust” is really high.

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?
I haven’t hung out with anyone I’m interested in recently, though my still-beloved ex was over briefly a couple of days ago.

6. What are you excited for?
Nothing, really. I’m hard to excite, now more than ever. I was kind of excited to fill this out, since I was just thinking a couple of days ago that I kind of missed these idle survey things. :D

7. What happened tonight?
Well today so far I got up, puttered around on the Internet, ate lunch and watched half an episode of Parks and Recreation, and now here I am doing this. I lead a thrilling life.

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?
I think it’s disgusting when anyone gets really wasted regardless of gender.

9. Is confidence cute?
Eh, I’m honestly indifferent. Confidence is a good thing for people to have, but I don’t know that I find it cute or attractive specifically.

10. What is the last beverage you had?

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?
Fully? None, at this point. Actually right this moment I don’t think I FULLY trust anybody of either sex. Shades of Question 4. :P

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?
Nothing planned, so probably wander around my house alone until I cry myself to sleep. :D

14. What are you going to spend money on next?
Most likely dinner.

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?
Not anymore.

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?
I really hope so, but I’m not holding my breath.

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?
I don’t think I have a single person I’m most comfortable talking to about anything. I’ll talk to anyone about almost anything (see Question 4 again), and lately I find myself unwilling to talk to anyone about certain things because I don’t want to burden anyone with my bullshit that no one can do anything about.

18. The last time you felt broken?
Now. Constantly.

19. Have you had sex today?
No. Not even with myself!

20. Are you starting to realize anything?
The moment I stop realizing things is when I die. (((<— what Nam said) <— what Nam and Jenn said)
 <— what Nam and Jenn and Emily said, though I don’t know who Nam and Jenn are)

21. Are you in a good mood?

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?

24. What do you want right this second?
Meaning, love, a cure for depression… oh, material things? Well there’s a lot of books/video games/etc. that I want, not that I have the effective time (time x utilization factor) for them anyway. I want a 3DS XL, and a WiiU, and a PS4 with an arcade stick and a XBone with a steering wheel set with a clutch pedal, though the latter two pairs don’t exist yet. Speaking of things that don’t exist yet I want Google Glass, and I want Google Glass to be good. Oh, and I want a new phone with good battery life and high storage capacity. Also there’s car parts I want. Oh and I want to go do trackdays again, moto and car. And a full suspension mountain bike. And a new TV that doesn’t lag. And effective heat for this damned cold house.

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?
I’d ask if it made her happy, since at the moment I don’t have a right to say anything else.

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?
I don’t think so.

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
Something in a Modern Family episode I watched last night.

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?
Yes. And a third, and so on. Of course, depending on the person and the situation I’ll want these chances to happen far, far away from me….

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?
Gender specificity aside, what kind of question is this? o_o I don’t hate the last person of either gender I was talking to, not even close. Actually I quite like both of them, which is why I talk to them.

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?
Lol. I love these high school surveys so much.” Agreed, Emily! Yes, the person I have feelings for right now knows. Though come to think of it, there’s a girl I’m sort of interested in who doesn’t know (at least not from my lips), so I guess that answers the spirit of the question.

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?
Nah. I drink soda far less than I used to, but not “never”.

34. Listening to?
The increasingly alarming variations in sound coming from my computer case. I don’t listen to music too much anymore except in the car, though I’d like to change that. I feel like I’ve lost my connection to music and I want to get it back.

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?
Almost never.

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?
Not specifically, though I could make an educated guess.

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Sure, since love is so varied.

38. Who did you last call?
Phone log says 24 Hour Fitness to reserve a racquetball court. If Skype counts, then it’s my parents.

39. Who was the last person you danced with?
If Dance Central counts, then Josh!  :D  Otherwise Alice.

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?
Because I love her. Actually, I’m realizing that I’ve kissed someone on the cheek since then: the same answer applies, though the love is different.

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?
I don’t remember exactly when it was–at least a couple of months ago, maybe more–but it was from Kara’s Cupcakes in Santana Row.

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?
I have no shame, so no!  :D

44. Do you tan in the nude?
I don’t intentionally tan at all.

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?
Why would I ever take back a kiss?

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

47. Who was the last person to call you?

48. Do you sing in the shower?
I sing everywhere.  (Yes.)

49. Do you dance in the car?
Not really… occasionally for other people’s benefit. :P

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?
Yeah, in Boy Scouts.

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
The “portrait” part makes it probably high school. I’ve been in professional photographers’ photos many times since then, but never for a portrait.

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
Not categorically, no. Any individual thing can be cheesy, and some musicals definitely are. I love musicals!

53. Is Christmas stressful?
It definitely can be. I find it most stressful when I’m single, so this Christmas probably will be. I’m not looking forward to it.

54. Ever eat a pierogi?
I think so, it’s a really vague memory.

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
I’ve wanted to be a writer my entire life.

57. Do you believe in ghosts?
No, but I like the idea.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
Of course.

59. Take a vitamin daily?
Yeah. I don’t know how much I think it actually helps anything health-wise, but I don’t know of any major downsides, it’s easy to do, and there are incidental benefits… zinc has interesting effects. ;D

60. Wear slippers?
No, but I’ve been thinking about it. Damned cold house.

61. Wear a bath robe?

62. What do you wear to bed?
Nothing but boxers. It’s cold sometimes, but if I wear anything additional I usually wake up with it on the floor anyway.

63. First concert?
Geez, I don’t remember. Get off my lawn!

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
You mean we have loyalties between these now? o_o I only have Target nearby me.

65. Nike or Adidas?

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?
I like Cheetos better, but I like both…?

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
Either. Both!

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?
It is well documented that I have a hard time with favorites. Sparks Fly, Begin Again, Dear John, I Almost Do, Last Kiss….

69. Ever take dance lessons?
No. I want to though.

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
Not really… she can do whatever she wants!

71. Can you curl your tongue?
I can make a tube that points outward.

72. Ever won a spelling bee?
I don’t think I ever participated in one.

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

74. What is your favorite book?
Favorites, bah! 
Altered Carbon + sequels, Bel Canto, The Sparrow, Singularity Sky + Iron Sunrise, The Time Traveler’s Wife… man, I really like tragic books.

75. Do you study better with or without music?
It varies, randomly as far as I can tell.

76. Regularly burn incense?

77. Ever been in love?
Who do you think I am? :P (Yes.)

78. Who would you like to see in concert?
I don’t really care too much about concerts, so anyone whose music I like. Rockapella would be nice, I’ve never gotten to see them live.

79. What was the last concert you saw?
Vienna Teng, I think? Actually regarding the previous question I’d definitely like to see her again (a third time).

80. Hot tea or cold tea?
Depends on the weather!

81. Tea or coffee?

82. Favorite type of cookie?
Peanut butter? Snickerdoodle? Not by much though, I love all cookies!

83. Can you swim well?
I swim functionally. Though it’s been a while.

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

85. Are you patient?
“My degree of patience varies from total to utterly nonexistent depending on context.” Well said, Emily.

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
I can see the appeal of both options.

87. Ever won a contest?
Yes, but nothing big.

88. Ever have plastic surgery?

89. Which are better black or green olives?

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?
It’s necessary. Gotta do the test-drive. Preferably lots of test-drives. This applies to all aspects of the relationship, but it definitely applies to sex.

91. Best room for a fireplace?
Every room!

92. Do you want to get married?

Originally published at What Eug Thinks. Please leave any comments there.
LinkLeave a comment

Such an easy game to play [Oct. 26th, 2013|03:31 pm]

Getting up earlier hasn’t been working so far. Yesterday I was out cold until past 11. I ate lunch while watching a How I Met Your Mother episode (I appear to be taking a break from The West Wing. Not that I’m not enjoying the show, but HIMYM is… easier. Shorter episodes doesn’t hurt either.) and did some chores around the house.

Finally after some puttering around I did sit down and play Gone Home and in fact cranked through the whole game in one sitting, owing to it being pretty short. It probably also helped that it’s a very low-impact game in terms of complexity of gameplay; you walk around a house and examine objects that help explain the story, and that’s about it. There’s no action, almost no puzzle-solving, and very little in the way of decision-making other than moment-to-moment navigation/exploration. That kind of experience seems to be what I do best with at the moment, ones in which I can just flip on my mental autopilot and go.

It was also an enjoyable experience. Some bits were creepy, some cute, others sad, and there were some indulgent-eye-rolling funny moments thrown in. The story was pretty simplistic, but the details made it lively and touching, which I suspect was the point. I highly recommend it.

After that, timing and laziness thwarted Jeff’s and my usual gym plan, so the rest of the night went to Street Fighter. I feel like I’m on a fighting game plateau at the moment. Playing with a group that is both enthusiastic and generally better than me for the past couple of months has improved my fundamentals a lot, particularly my SF4 Ryu, but I’m at the point where I need to start putting in practice time if I’m going to get much better. I need to practice my combo execution so that I can start dealing effective damage in any of these games (or if I’m going to play Marvel at all :P ). I need to throw some hours at some of the other fighting games I want to get into on the side. And I think I need to sadly and reluctantly pick up a new character in SFxT… I love playing Hugo, but I just don’t have the skill to make him effective.

So yes, all that equates to a lot of practice time. But though I put all this thought into it, I’ll let you guess how much time I actually put into practicing. Here’s a hint: it’s about the same as the amount of time I spend practicing anything else. Zero.

why can’t i ever DO anything it’s ruining my life (oh yeah that’s right i already know why)

In other news, it’s starting to get cold. It’s still pretty nice outside during the day, but this house always stays colder than outside. I appreciate it during the summer, but now it means that there’s always a constant seeping chill in my body when I’m at home. I already mentioned getting some extra blankets in preparation, and now I think it’s time to think about ordering an efficient space heater.

P.S This pull up bar is still great.

Originally published at What Eug Thinks. Please leave any comments there.
LinkLeave a comment

Dammit, nobody told me Gone Home would make me cry. [Oct. 25th, 2013|03:09 pm]

…then [we] ran up to the attic to look through our photos, to find one for Lonnie to take with her… and looking at them, I realized they were all in the past, and there wouldn’t be any more, and I didn’t know what I was going to do, and I cried, and she held me. She said she knew it was hard, but life would move on. I said I didn’t want my life to keep moving without her.

Originally published at What Eug Thinks. Please leave any comments there.
LinkLeave a comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]